Picking Up Pennies over Pieces

A reflection on how true abundance doesn’t come from chasing more, but from coming home to the body—reclaiming the scattered parts of ourselves and remembering that wholeness, direction, and freedom begin within.

I was on a treadmill for a long time, chasing money for the dream that would give me the freedom I so much desired…

This has always been a big one for me: MONEY and fear of it and lack of! It’s embodied in me, learnt from my caregivers, given to me in my DNA from my ancestors. I know it’s not just me, there has been a scarcity mindset for centuries.

And it all makes sense, we do need money. Money is not just our freedom, it is our survival. We’re living less in community than we did hundreds of years ago, here in the west. So naturally we feel less protected, more alone and vulnerable than we ever have. So money becomes our safety, if we have money we’ll be ok, we’ll be able to pay someone to help, we’ll be able to afford all of the food we need instead of asking our neighbour, or, we’ll be able to afford the travel to be held and supported by our relatives because we have all scattered across the globe.

So it’s easy to see how this can become an endless cycle of worry and fear. The more we think about money the more we feel we need, and the more we think we haven’t got. And of course the media doesn’t help with its pushing advertisements and news in our faces 24/7, feeding the same messages of lack of safety and you need more to be safe. Especially with industries that mainly target women identifying people. Beauty brands for instance, if we’re not this “perfect” aesthetic, then who’s going to like us? Who’s going to want to be around us? And more importantly, who’s going to protect an “ugly” woman? Who’s going to protect the “witch”?!

So much noise keeping us from the fundamental key to abundance and living an abundant life that feels free, safe and secure, and that key is:

OUR BODY.

I’ve spent the majority of my life telling my body what to do. I danced from the age of three until I was an adult and so I assumed I was very connected to my body, I knew it inside out. But, actually I’d never listened to her, never asked her any questions. I knew if she was sore or if she could do the splits or if she ate bread she’d gain weight. My body was my mind’s servant, I didn’t pay her at all, not with love, kind words or chocolate treats very often either. I was a bitch to my body and I expected her to pay me with love, attention and devoted obedience. I know what I’m sharing here, isn’t unique, I know many women all over the planet, no matter the age, culture or class, have similar relationships with their body. 

And guess what, for the majority of my life I have battled with anxiety. Having a disconnect between my mind and body has caused a chasm within me, a lack of feeling whole, not knowing who I am, how I feel or what I truly need. I have spent so much time looking outside of myself for the answers, to fill the void that feels so uncomfortable. I’ve tried to use “consumption escapism” food, alcohol, sex, over working, over partying, over spending. All creating even more disconnection.

I have spent the last 5 years trying to piece back together all of the fragments of myself. And to find and remember parts of myself that I hadn’t met for decades. During lockdown 2020 I began to “intuitively heal” myself. I had no world noise swirling around my brain because I didn’t need to go out there and force my body to do the things it doesn’t want to do again and again. I actually asked my body what I wanted to say when I felt some anxiety or frustration one morning. And what unravelled was a deep wound I didn’t know I had around feeling unworthy, I cried, I released for over an hour and when I was done I felt a wave of pure… “nothing”… and yet “everything” at the same time, I couldn’t believe I finally felt a concept I’d only understand intellectually before: “non-duality”! I then began to “channel” ideas about being everything and nothing at the same time and I thought I’d come up with a new universal law, but I was quickly humbled by Google informing me that Newton had beat me to it! This wasn’t the end of my healing, it was just the beginning, and I haven’t felt the same non-dualistic feeling since, but…

I feel more whole and complete than I have ever felt before. It’s been a deep, dark, scary journey for the most part, but it didn’t have to be. I did everything by myself, I’ve been consciously taking a spiritual path for 15 years now and I am still yet to find that mentor, that elder who’s been there and got the t-shirt already, but I’m still searching. However, I have figured out so many exercises, techniques and practices that have brought me back to one piece, one full puzzle. And through my various trainings and reading of many “self help” books, all of these intuitive ideas I had have actually already been acknowledged, tested and given by doctors, psychologists and healers for many years. I just learnt it all the hard way first, but that’s always been me, thinking I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do, I’ll figure it out myself! Oh hyper-independence, what an over praised trait that’s actually probably just a trauma response!

I spent many years feeling like I was chasing my own tail, projecting a certain identity out into the world, mainly through social media, to prove I was “successful”, “sexy”, and more importantly, “sane”! I wanted to be seen, but only through a rose tinted lens, no one got access to my moments of distress, insecurity or narcissistic tendencies, they were so hidden I wasn’t even aware of them. All of the hustle and bustle in my life was a complete distraction from actually letting myself live the life I wanted. I was scared to be seen because I was ashamed of not being perfect. Yes, I’m a recovering perfectionist!

There are many reasons why we go off track, lose our momentum, or cave into “safety” instead of leaving our comfort zone, my experience is just one reason, and one of my many reasons! However, living that life that isn’t yours to live anymore, because another one has already seeded inside, can create anxiety, stress, depression, sickness and then it becomes a downward spiral and ironically this isn’t the “safe” option anymore, this is living outside of alignment, this is trying to fit the wrong puzzle pieces together — there’s a new picture to connect.

When I find connection between my body and mind, where my body is given the space she needs to feel, to be and to allow, I can tap into my innate wisdom, love and expression. I can hear that voice of intuition, I can feel my internal navigation compass and I know what my next step is, whilst expanding out into joy, creativity, freedom.

How are you? How is your body feeling today?

Are you in a phase of your life where you have outgrown your current set up? Outgrown your current job, home, group of friends, lifestyle? Or just feel like something is missing?

Soon I’ll be opening applications for my 21 day Programmage: Part program, part personal pilgrimage returning home to your innate wisdom, love and expression that resides in your body, there ready and waiting for you to listen, allow, and then truly live the life you want! We begin exactly a month from today. All online, so if you aren’t near me, you can still join :)

“P L A N T   Y O U R   P U R P O S E”

1st June - 21st June (Summer Solstice)

A 3 week Circle with daily practises, weekly activations, group calls and an online platform of information and videos.

If you can’t wait until June, we still have space for you on our Beltane Retreat this coming weekend, if you require a concession code it is: BELTANEBLISS

You are wholly invited to come and reconnect, remember and reclaim your truth, power and essence! It will feel like a recharge for you and all of us, which I know I definitely need right now, and a release of the old as we officially shift away from Winter and into Summer. I can not wait to have my bare feet dancing on that Earth at Michael’s Folly this Saturday and I hope to be dancing with you sister, friend, woman, human, being!

And if you can’t wait until Saturday here is a visualisation which can help to return some missing pieces back to you to feel a bit more like a whole puzzle:

Find a comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed or distracted. Find your breath, calm your body and listen to some relaxing music. Call in any guides or Archangel Michael for some energetic protection. Take your attention to your heart and witness the light inside growing and burning more brightly with every breath. And begin to ask your lost pieces to return. Your mind may go to an argument you had yesterday for example, envelope the scene you see in light from your heart and then bring yourself back, bring her back into your heart and allow her to dissolve into the light. And then repeat, maybe no specific times come, maybe there is just a sense of energies returning, or you can imagine lights flying back to you that were previous “yous” dotted all over. You may even want to embrace any parts before they return to your heart.When you feel like you’re finished cut any chords, that you see or feel that connect away from you, with big scissors and place a light shield around yourself. Take a deep breath into your heart and witness any changes that could be immediate or over the next 24 hours. Drink lots of water and stay grounded.

Sending you so many Beltane Blessings in this Beltane period and portal we are currently in 🧡

Siân x